Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.