It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
No. YOU-buprofen.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂