It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?