It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My Plans 2020
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry