It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
🤣🤣
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My work here is don’t.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Trying
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Only short people can save us
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright