It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off