[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories
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I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
“Drop it like its hot”
-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.