It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories

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I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes


[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*


People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.


me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”


To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.


“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog


Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?


Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.