guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I think the cat got the dog high.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.