Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

NASA has no chill

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Thank you corporation very cool

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.