Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?