It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I’ve been learning to cook.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.