It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
RT if you know someone like this!!!
