It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.