It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,