Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.