It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.