It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
You Might Also Like
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
October 31
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My biological clock is wheezing.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
oh u like geography? name every lake
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.