It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
![]()
You Might Also Like
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.