Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

😭😭😭

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

mmm onion ringos

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular