It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Wise advice
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Autocorrect completely socks
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂