Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every. Damn. Time.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

much to think about

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

🤣

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth