Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

🤣🤣

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate