It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
You Might Also Like
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.