It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
😂🤣😂🤣
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
