“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
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Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Every work call, he judges.
The future is now.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“Huge”.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
October 31
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?