Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

found a horse’s reddit account

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.