It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Raisins are grape jerky.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me in a relationship:
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes