It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
bros in the example zone 😭
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
🤣😂🤣😂
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Unimpressed
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.