Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect