It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
me when somebody idk start touching me
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”