It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.