Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Meow?

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

No.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.