It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
How do you like your Corgi?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*