It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?