It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[eats all your cotton candy]
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF