Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.