It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
#Caturday
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea