It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
tfw you realize …
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?