Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.