It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
want me to check your oil?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it