It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”