It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
New mindset, who dis?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.