it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
She knows her part so well!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.