Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’