Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Shower sex be like:

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.