Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?