Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.