It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God