Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?