It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water