It’s called a ceasar salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.