It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
#CatsOnTwitter
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?