It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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This is the best one I’ve seen
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Good morning y’all ☀️
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
how to have an accident 101
