Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.