It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!