It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
You Might Also Like
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Perfect
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?