It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
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turn that frown upside down
):
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
