Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.