It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting