Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.