Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

do what now??

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Lol.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

LOL

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet