It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
sistine chapel
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it