it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
i think both sides are to blame here
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.