It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.