It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine