It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact