it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
lost dog
