it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
my dad has had enough
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.