it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Investing in beetcoin
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?