skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
2 years later
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.