it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
This is a sub tweet
the battle rages on
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”