it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos