It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind