Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

🤣🤣🤣

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

japanese corn

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.