It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You Might Also Like
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
me when somebody idk start touching me
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Note to self: I am a note
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
somebody come look at this
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil